The Office: Hogwarts Edition
by Flourishing Gardens
Summary: Life goes on after the war. Our favorite Harry Potter characters flee to the safety of a boring Parchment Company office: "Merlin Niffler's." Is it really as boring as they think? A mixture of life, love, and adventure, with a sprinkle heartbreak, a dash of family, and a whole lot of humor makes up The Office: Hogwarts Edition.
1. The First Interview

**A/N: So it is finally here! Two of our beloved worlds meshed into one. Thank you to DiagonAli and Reyloclaw for not only helping me cast the characters, but also being alpha/beta's and helping me tremendously with the plot.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the Office. You'll see many scenes from the Office in this story, there will be the occasional direct quote.**

 **CAST:**

Sirius Black as Michael Scott  
Draco Malfoy as Jim Halpert  
Hermione Granger as Pam Beesley  
Harry Potter as Dwight Schrute  
Daphne Greengrass as Angela Martin  
Blaise Zabini as Oscar Martinez  
Rubeus Hagrid as Kevin Malone  
Neville Longbottom as Phyllis Lapin  
Severus Snape as Stanley Hudson  
Antonin Dolohov as Creed Bratton  
Lavender Brown as Meredith Palmer  
Pansy Parkinson as Kelly Kapoor  
Adrian Pucey as Ryan Howard  
Gregory Goyle as Toby Flenderson  
Luna Lovegood as Erin Hannon  
Theo Nott as Andy Bernard  
Ronald Weasley as Roy Anderson  
Charlie Weasley as Darryl Philbin  
Ginny Weasley as Holly Flax  
Percy Weasley as Gabe Lewis  
Amelia Bones as Jan Levinson  
Parvati Patil as Nellie Bertram  
Dean Thomas as Peter "Plop" Miller  
Seamus Finnigan as Clark "Dwight Jr." Green  
Cormac McLaggen as Todd Packer  
Bill Weasley as David Wallace  
Astoria Greengrass as Karen Filippelli  
Minerva McGonagall as Jo Bennett  
Kingsley Shacklebolt as Charles Miner  
Oliver Wood as State Senator Rob Lipton  
Gilderoy Lockhart as Robert California  
Colin Creevey as Nate Nickerson  
Viktor Krum as Danny Cordray  
Albus Dumbledore as Deangelo Vickers (since he has to make a quick appearance)  
Dudley Dursley as Cousin Mose

* * *

" _Why do you want to know who I am again?_

 _A documentary? If this is another thing for Harry bloody Potter then you can go find him elsewhere. He's literally right in the next room._

 _Wait, you want to document our experiences at this office? That sounds extreme bor—you know what, nevermind, I don't really care._

 _My name is Draco Malfoy. I have been an employee here at Merlin Niffler's Parchment Company for seven years now. I don't exactly know how I got started here, but I guess it all began with the anti-climatic end to the Second Wizarding War really. My father had roped me into the heat of it all, and by the time The-Boy-Who-Would-Not-Die finally finished the Dark Lord off, I just wanted to enjoy a monotonous life for a bit. I didn't bother going back to Hogwarts to finish my N.E.W.T.s; I don't think that anyone actually stayed around at the castle, even all of the professors. After the war, it was taken over by a whole new generation of staff, since no one wanted to be surrounded by memories of the war._

 _I was hired not even 3 months after the Battle of Hogwarts by a man named Gervais R. Shubert. Dumbledore surprisingly put in a good recommendation for me: he always said he thought I had a redeemable soul. My father put up an argument when I told him I wanted to work at Merlin Niffler's; even said if I didn't work at Malfoy Enterprises under him he would take away my inheritance. Needless to say, the next day I found myself renting a cheap one bedroom apartment in Diagon Alley. I have yet to hear from my father, and it has been some of the best years of my life._

 _When I began to work at Merlin Niffler's, I never expected to see people from my Hogwarts days work here as well. It was supposed to be my safe place away from all of the shit I had to go through. I mean, who wants to sell parchment for a living?_ _Seven years later the place is overrun by Gryffindors and Slytherins from my year. Even a few professors as well. As much as Severus Snape helped me through some of the roughest years of my life, I hate having to sit within five meters of his snarky arse almost every day. Even Saint Potter became a sales representative, and of course he has to sit at the bloody desk next to me._

 _However, I have found amusement in messing with Potter everyday. You would think since his godfather is a Marauder (and also manages the place), Potter would loosen up and be able to take a joke or two. I think something about being the Boy-Who-Lived messed with his head a bit. Some days he acts like he can't remove a three meter pole from his arse, other days his head is so far up Black's arse I don't even know how he functions by himself. Either way, seeing him lose his top over finding various items on his desk set in Jello makes my day all that brighter._

 _What would I be doing if I wasn't here? Well, I certainly don't know what I would do with all of the useless information I've learned over the years. The price difference between twelve inch parchment and twenty inch parchment? Don't think I could use that anywhere else. Or the fact that Granger takes her tea with two sugars and no milk._

 _Yes, I did mean Hermione Granger. Didn't you see her at the desk when you walked in? That surprised me as well. Who knew the Brightest Witch of Her Age would end up working a shitty job as receptionist. It wasn't due to lack of effort on her end, though. She tried to reach out and find other jobs, but I guess to some extent there's still discrimination on blood status. I honestly think she would do well with whatever she wanted to do if there wasn't that stigma, but if she left Merlin Niffler's then I would feel like I've lost my best friend._

 _That does tend to make most people stare at me like that. Over the past seven years, Granger and I have buried the hatchet and became friends. Not only that, but I would go as far to say as she is the best friend I've ever had. It makes my day being able to look up and seeing her concentrating on the stupid computer the Ministry forced us to learn how to use._

 _No, Granger and I are not dating. She's still with that bloody Weasel. We're just friends, but I refuse to answer any more questions on that. Did I already talk about technology yet? While it was a bit of a learning curve, I must say it's bloody brilliant. I don't understand how Muggles came up with it, but being able to call someone on the telephone is much faster than having to go to the floo and fire call someone. I'm still on the fence about the computer. Granger once had to spend an hour showing me how to ask questions to the internet without me wanting to through the machine out the bloody window._

 _Most of the time it's a bit hard to get work done in this place. Three years after being hired by Mr. Shubert, Sirius Black, who happened to be a sales representative at the time, became manager of Merlin Niffler's. To say having a Marauder as a boss makes things interesting is a bit of an understatement. Black loves to call "mandatory" staff meetings, and then will spend an hour questioning us on which prank he should play on Remus Lupin that night. It's not that uncommon to see Lupin come running into the building with bright pink hair and a duck beak that his metamorphmagus wife, Tonks (who happens to be my cousin), loves to sport._

 _But that's just how things run here at the office: we work hard, and play harder. It may seem tedious to most others, but it's a breath of fresh air really. I'll deny it if you repeat it, but we're all a family here, and I wouldn't want it to be like anything else. After spending years at war, we all deserve a break. We deserve to live, laugh, and even love. Merlin, I sound like a damn sap, it's all Grangers fault I swear._

 _How long do you plan on documenting us? Ten years? Isn't that a bit excessive? It's not like you're going to film anything interesting. I mean really, how exciting could the lives of people working at a supply store really be?"_

* * *

 **A/N: Excited to finally get this short little prologue up! Review and let us know what you think!**

 **~Delaney**


	2. The Pilot

**Chapter 1: The Pilot**

"And this is where the magic happens." Sirius Black strode into the room with a magical camera crew following behind him. He was loud enough to draw the attention of everybody in the room, yet no one seemed to be fazed by his grand entrance. To them, it was just another regular day at office. "My kingdom if you wish. My rule covers this entire floor and all of my subjects."

Hermione Granger sat behind a desk at the entrance of the room. She had a phone held snug between her ear and shoulder, and she frantically typed notes on the computer. She wore a loose button up shirt and her riotous curls hung in front of her face with a good amount of frizz. Sirius walked behind the desk and put both his hands on her shoulders, ignoring the way she tried to shrink back from his touch.

"And this is Miss Hermione Granger. The elves that pop by with food sometimes like to call her Miss Minnie, but she will always be my Kitten." Hermione rolled her eyes and grabbed the phone with her hand.

"Yes I'm sorry Miss. Yes, yes I understand you're trying to get ahold of Mr. Black, but he's not available at the moment. Thank you, yes I will leave a message."

"That's my Kitten, always doing exactly what I ask her to do." Sirius smiled bright at the crew in the hallway. He cleared his voice and tried to look serious for a moment. "Granger, is there anything else I need to know for the day?" She handed him a piece of parchment. "Yes, the Ministry owled. They sent an agenda for the meeting with the representative today."

" _Granger_ , I told you that these notes from the ministry go in a specific file."

She huffed, "I have organized this office front and back, I know every little detail about it. Including the file you keep of what pranks you pulled on workers in this office. I would know if there was a file specifically for the Ministry."

Sirius leaned forward, "It's a secret, I will show where to put it." He took the paper from her hands, crumpled it in the paper, and pretended to jump shoot it into the trash can. "Swoosh!" He laughed giddily as Harry called out "Nice one, Sirius!"

"Ha Ha, very funny Sirius." Hermione walked over to the trash can to pick up the memo and file it, but when she reached her hand in, it was gone.

"Sirius Black, where is it?" She gave her best stern impression of Professor McGonagall. About half the time it worked to put Sirius back into place.

"Oh my, I don't know, love. Must be magic."

Sirius ignored Hermione's eye roll and walked over to Draco. "Now here, fellas, is my cousin, Draco Malfoy." He patted Draco on the back before yelling "Wassssup." Draco gave a quick upturn of his lips before returning the greeting with his own "Wassssup." Harry narrowed his eyes at the pair.

* * *

 _Interview: Harry Potter_

" _How do I feel about the relationship between Sirius and Malfoy?" Harry snorted, "Oh please, it doesn't even compare to my relationship with Sirius. One; he is my Godfather, Two; he made_ _ **me**_ _his number two in command. He may laugh and joke with Malfoy all day long, but he comes to me when he needs reinforcement. At the end of the day, he is the closest thing I have to a father. I'm not some distantly related cousin that has to try hard to gain his approval by pulling pranks on me."_

 _Harry shook his ahead, "I know Malfoy is the one turning everything on my desk into Jello. I can't even vanish it either, I have_ _to_ _manually stick my hand in the gelatin to make sure the company objects are not damaged. I see the way he looks to Sirius every time; and Sirius just laughs! He even calls Malfoy Draco now._ _ **Draco.**_ _He's up to something, I know it. Just like in sixth year and I knew something was off with him. I don't know how he has wormed his way into both Hermione's and Sirius's good graces, but I will figure it out."_

 _Harry pulled out out a notepad and wrote DAY SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY FOUR at the top, "I am a volunteer Auror on the weekends. I've been tracking every prank I suspect he's pulled on me for when the time is needed. That will show him."_

* * *

Sirius jumped onto Harry's desk. "And this is my pup, Harry. He does me proud, has the highest sales in the office and happens to be my godchild." Harry puffed out his chest and gave a smug smile to Draco. Draco turned and smirked at Hermione, who only shrugged her arms in response.

"Are you sure those two things aren't related Black? I wouldn't be surprised, of course, if Potter only did well because he's your Godson" drawled Severus Snape.

"You wouldn't accuse me of such a thing, would you Snivellus?" Sirius turned back to the cameras, "Don't mind him, most days he can be a right cantankerous bastard. Besides, I think he's only giving me cheek since _his_ Godson is a bit behind Harry in sales."

"Boy, Draco doesn't sell as much parchment as Boy Wonder. I wonder why." Draco snickered at his Godfather's comment and enjoyed the tips of Harry's ears twinge red.

"Neville, how on Earth do you sit across from him all day," Sirius exclaimed. "Poor, innocent Nev has to deal with the mean old man all the time."

"He's not that terrifying when I think about my Boggart of him dressed in my Gran's clothes." Sirius barked out a laugh at the boy turned man, who could now hold his own in a room with Snape. Killing the last Horcrux gave him a huge confidence boost. Snape tried multiple times to take house points away from Gryffindor due to Neville being a nuisance, and each time Neville shot back with a jibe about him, his age, or forgetting where he was.

"That's my boy, Nev. Now if you follow me back here we have some more lovely workers. Heyo! Look who it is! It's our accounting department. Having people manage the galleons is just another thing the Ministry forced us to have. Not that I'm complaining, because I get to see the lovely Daphne Greengrass everyday. Her smile always brightens my day."

Daphne rolled her eyes and gave her typically deadpanned glare. She knew if she didn't acknowledge him then he would leave her workspace soon after. Sirius' smile faltered for a moment before he turned and gave the camera a wink.

"Don't be a tease love, I will get that smile out of you someday."

Sirius hopped up on to the desk next to Daphne; one Blaise Zabini giving Sirius a shit-eating grin. Blaise typically was irritated by Sirius' antics, but he wanted to look good for the camera. You never know who's watching.

"This is the tall, _dark_ , and handsome Blaise Zabini. He's the most efficient with the galleons of the bunch. He must have had practice handling all the money from the Black Widow. Which husband is your mother on now? Sixth? Seventh?" Sirius barked out a laugh, jumped off the desk and slapped Blaise on the back. Blaise took all of his frustrations out on a quill, nearly snapping it in the process. His smile never left his face, though it did become a bit more strained.

"This big guy over here is Rubeus Hagrid. He's a special one, for sure. Didn't want to be at Hogwarts after good ol' Dumble left as Headmaster. That's alright, now I get to care for the big lug. It never fails to amuse me when he brings in little critters to the office. Last time he brought in a Niffler." Sirius grabbed his side as he bent over with laughter, "He brought a Niffler into Merlin Niffler's. Merlin, what a riot. Although I do recall us mysteriously misplacing 25 galleons that day." Hagrid looked around sheepishly.

Sirius walked away towards another two desks. "Now this is Lavender Brown and Antonin Dolohov. To be honest, I don't exactly know what these guys do. We had to hire Dolohov as a Parolee from Azkaban, since he got out on good behavior. He really doesn't do too much."

* * *

 _Interview: Antonin Dolohov_

" _Svobodno, I'm svobodno. They'll have no evidence if they try to pin anything on me. Why? I would never let myself get caught. Oh yes, you heard about that? Yes, the little witch tends to stay away from here. I did heal her from my spell from the Department of Mysteries so she doesn't glare at me too often. Yes, the malyshka is quite the fiesty one."_

* * *

 _Interview: Hermione Granger_

" _Oh, him? Why would I be afraid? I may 'just be a secretary' but if he tries anything I can kick his arse and send him right back to Azkaban._

* * *

 _Interview: Draco Malfoy_

 _He used to stare at her all the time when he started working here. I know exactly what he's capable of, so it made me feel a bit sick. I would send a stinging hex right to his bollocks every time he looked at her. Needless to say, he doesn't watch her anymore._

* * *

"Okay, moving on!" Sirius started to head towards the break room, "Now back there is the annex. We've got our customer service girl, Pansy Parkinson, and our HR guy, _Gregory Goyle._ " His lips curled over his teeth, "just wait until you meet them. You'll understand why they're over in the annex. Pansy's voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard and _Goyle_ is just-"

"Sirius!"

He stopped right as he put his hand on the door to the annex. He turned around and saw Hermione waving him down. "Amelia Bones is here to see you." Sirius groaned and went his way back to his office.

"And for the last time, stop making fun of people in the office!"

* * *

 _Interview: Sirius Black_

" _The Ministry doesn't tend to interfere much, but when they do, they send Amelia Bones in to see me. Honestly, she's a pretty fine bird. Has that whole 'woman with authority' vibe. She loves to put people in their place. I wouldn't tell her that though. Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah."_

* * *

Sirius escorted Amelia into his office with Hermione. Amelia began to list off what needed to be covered in their meeting, but Sirius' eyes looked glazed over for most of it.

"Do you have anything to add?"

Sirius shook his head comically, "Add to what?"

"The agenda Sirius." If looks could kill, Sirius would be dead over the look Amelia gave him.

"I didn't get an agenda." Hermione went to speak, but Amelia cut her off with a frustrated growl.

"I just went over what was on-what do you mean you didn't get an agenda?! It was sent over by owl this morning."

He gasped and pointed a finger at himself, "Me? I didn't get an owl," he pointed a finger at Hermione. "Did we get an owl this morning."

"Yes, I the one that-"

"Then why do I not have it right now?" His voice boomed but there was a hint of of mirth.

"Sirius it was the one you vanished this morning."

He sputter, "What are you accusing me of, Kitten?!"

 _Ring. Ring._

"Oh it's Cormac McLaggen. Great salesman. Do you mind if I take this?"

Amelia glared at Sirius but gestured for him to answer the phone. Sirius clapped his hand and put the phone on speaker.

"Mac Man!"

" _Hey, you big Queen."_

Sirius tried to cover up a laugh with a cough. He took one look at Amelia's face before clearing his throat and saying quietly, "That was offensive and not funny at all."

" _Isn't the top bird coming in today? The one with the fantastic arse?"_

Sirius giggled, "That's not really appropriate-"

" _I've been meaning to ask her if she likes to be on top. I don't mind being under her if you know what I mean-"_

Sirius hung up the phone quickly. "Terrible, terrible person."

The corner of Amelia's mouth twitched, "If you don't mind," she gave him a pointed glare, "we need to talk about what I came in here for."

"Wazzthat?" Hermione brought her hand to her face and sighed. She gave Amelia a sympathetic look.

"Downsizing, Sirius. I've already told you multiple times. The Ministry doesn't see the need for two separate offices in London. They've called for downsizing for either this location in Diagon Alley, or the small office located inside the ministry."

"Well there you go! Obviously you can get rid of the smaller branch."

"Sirius, that's not how this works. The Ministry branch is just as efficient-if not more- than this one. I need my two managers convincing me if one can assimilate the other."

Sirius stood up and paced the room, "Oh this isn't good. This is not good at all."

"Sirius-Sirius there is no reason to panic. We haven't made a decision yet."

"Panic? Me? I'm not panicking. YOU are panicking."

"Give it some time to think about. However, there will be downsizing. I will call you later in the day," Amelia stood up, "But for now, can you please keep it quiet? We don't want this to get out until we've made a final decision."

Sirius pretended to zip his lips and threw the imaginary key over his shoulder, "It will absolutely not leave this office."

* * *

"Downsizing? What does downsizing mean?" Neville looked up at Snape. Snape rolled his eyes and looked at the camera. "Dunderheads, all of them," He said as he pulled out a copy of _Potions Weekly_ and a quill, turning to the page of the latest crossword puzzle.

"You all better start updating your resume like I am," Blaise said from his computer.

"Resume, what is _that_?" Hagrid gave him a questioning look. He tried to type in his question on the _Ask Jeeves_ browser, but the size of his fingers just made it look like a jumble of letters. "Not again," he muttered under his breath. "Boy, do you mind transfigurin' my keyboard larger again?"

"Where did you hear that we were downsizing?" Harry demanded to the room full of bored employees.

Neville spoke up, "Harry, Sirius came out and mumbled about it for about a half hour before he went and locked himself in the conference room." He pointed towards the room next to Sirius' office. Sure enough, the door was closed tight and the blinds were down. As if he could tell everyone was talking about him, Sirius peeked his eyes through one of the shutter blind and pulled them shut again after seeing everyone looking at him.

* * *

 _Interview: Harry Potter_

" _How do I feel about downsizing? I've been telling them to downsize for years. I'm not worried at all, I like a challenge. I say 'bring it on.'"_

* * *

"Hi," Hermione said while Draco casually leaned over her desk. He reached over to grab one of the sugar quills Hermione keeps on hand for everyone.

"Hello," he unwrapped the quill and placed it in his mouth.

"Are you going to Daphne's Kneazle party this weekend?" She giggled while trying to keep a straight face.

His eyes widened and he choked on a laugh, "Stop. No way. That is ridiculous."

"Yes, she's having one at her house. Apparently she's celebrating the newest edition of her family."

"You mean the thirteenth part Kneazle cat she bought?" He chuckled, "I'm surprised you haven't told the Department of Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures how many Kneazles she's harboring. Something about how they wouldn't all be able to be treated the same based on how many she owns."

Hermione slapped his chest playfully. Just then, the door to the office opened up and a tall man with dark hair walked in. Draco shifted to the focus of Hermione's gaze and force a smile that looked more like a grimace.

"Pucey."

The man nodded, "Malfoy."

"What can I do for you?"

"I'm here to see Sirius Black."

Sirius Black walked out of the office and Hermione smiled at the visitor. "There's Sirius Black right now."

He held his hands up in defense and gave a charming smile, "Guilty as charged." He laughed and grabbed Pucey's outstretched hand.

"Adrian Pucey. The temp agency sent me to your office."

Sirius leered at him, "Wow, Hermione would you look at him. He's even cuter than Draco! So you're the new _Pucey_ cat in town?"

Adrian looked around the room to see if anyone else was taken back by his comment. Harry sat there with a death glare at the new temp, taking his frustration out on a miniature "Boy Savior" bobble head on his desk that the Twins gave him. Adrian then looked at Draco, who just shrugged his shoulders and made a face at the camera.

He raised an eyebrow and forced out a laugh, "Uh, I guess?"

Hermione just looked at Adrian, gave him a tight lipped smile and whispered "You'll get used to it."

* * *

 _Interview: Sirius Black_

" _The thing about war is that it can tear the lives of everyone you know and love apart. War is what brought me to my untimely departure into the Veil. The two years spent trapped in a void of nothing shaped who I am today. The years following my Azkaban imprisonment were spent wallowing in self pity. The moment I stepped back through the Veil to the land of the living, I promised that I would not spend another moment living in sorrow. I wanted to take life by the horns and run with it._

 _I'm a friend first and boss second to my employees. I would go as far as saying I'm an entertainer before a boss. I like to see people light up with laughter. That is my primary goal of working here at Merlin Niffler's, to make my employees have a happy life. That, and of course to sell parchment._

 _I think that's why I'm respected around here. I make sure my employees don't waste away being mindless zombies all day. I'd say they see me on the same level as Merlin himself._

* * *

"Now Puceycat, in order to fit in around here, you need to listen carefully to me. This is not a joking matter." Sirius looked at him pointedly, enjoying how Adrian's posture stiffened.

Sirius let out his signature bark of laughter, "I'm just kidding Puceycat. We live for jokes around here. Just make sure they're not too disruptive." He gave him a wink as Hermione walked in.

"Follow my lead," he whispered to Adrian before sitting up tall.

"—And you also have to call the Ministry back to confirm the next shipment. Anything else I can do for you Sirius?"

He looked at her solemnly, "Please take a seat, Kitten." She looked at him cautiously before sitting primly in the seat next to him, giving Adrian a curious eyebrow raise.

"Oh Hermione, Hermione. You've been so wonderful to me these past several years. Which is why it breaks my heart that I have to let you go."

She gasped, "What? Why?!"

"You've been vanishing all of my memos from the Ministry. Important information too. It's sadly unforgivable." His cheeks blew out as he tried not to laugh.

"SIRIUS BLACK. If you're trying to tell me that you are firing me over something YOU did, I will kick your arse and not hold back." Hermione fumed, her face beat red as she looked like she was debating on whether or not she could throttle Sirius.

"Temper, temper, love. Come on, I was just kidding Kitten. It was a joke this one came up with that I couldn't not refuse."

Adrian whipped his head around and open his mouth to refute Sirius's statement, when Hermione walked out of the office and slammed the door.

* * *

"Harry, my boy, meet our newest addition to the family, Adrian Pucey."

Harry looked up from his chair and said coolly, "Hello, Pucey. I am the _assistant_ Regional Manager of this branch if you need anything."

Sirius put out his hand, "Assistant _to the_ Regional Manager." He leaned forward and whispered into Harry's ear, "Be polite pup, make a proper introduction."

Harry grumbled and continued to mess around with items on his desk.

"Adrian, Harry is quite the professional in dance fighting."

The curve of Adrian's lips perked, "oh yeah? What is that?"

Harry rolled his eyes and Adrian swore he heard him mumble _idiot_ under his breath.

"Dance fighting is a type of a duel where both participants must time their actions to the music. It's an art really. Killer workout for the thighs. Here I have a couple pictures showing some common moves."

Harry moved to open up his drawer and slammed his hand on the desk. "Damnit, Draco again! This is the third time _today_! It wasn't even funny the first time."

Draco scoffed,"I don't know what you're talking about, Potter."

"THIS!" Harry slammed a plate of jello down with his staple in the center.

A giggle from the reception desk had Draco looking over and smirking at a laughing Hermione. Harry pointed at Draco, "I know you did this, Malfoy! SIRIUS."

"Yeah, Pup?"

"Are you going to do anything?"

"About what?" Harry held up the jello concoction, leading to a whole new round of giggles from Sirius.

"It isn't funny! I know Malfoy did this!"

"Potter, isn't it a bit childish to accuse people when you don't know if there's fact backing it."

Harry sputtered and looked to Sirius, "He's right, pup."

Harry glared back at Malfoy and an eye twitched. He tightened the grip on the plate and grabbed a notepad from his desk drawers, "This is not the end of this, Malfoy."

* * *

 _Interview: Draco Malfoy_

" _Of course I did it. Although it actually was Granger's idea. She's got a bit of a mean streak, even to one of her best friends. I went with strawberry jello as a bit of homage to her. It is her favorite flavor of ice cream after all. "_

* * *

The sound of ruffling and goodbyes swept through the office. Severus Snape put on a dark black robe and walked out of the office, passing by everyone wishing him a goodnight without returning the favor. He only stopped to pat Draco on the back, who happened to be leaning over Hermione's desk.

"So are you coming to the Leaky tonight for drinks? Everyone is stopping by for happy hour. "

Hermione wrinkled her nose, "Not tonight, though it does sound tempting."

Draco laughed as the door swung open. It took him much strength not to roll his eyes when he heard one Ronald Weasley say, "Hey babe."

* * *

 _Interview: Hermione Granger_

 _Ron and I have been together the last seven years, engaged the past three. I've been pushing him to pick a wedding date, and I think it'll finally happen this spring. We are.. happy together. I don't know what you mean by if I'm waiting for something better. He's the one that hasn't set the date. It's not just my decision. Right?_

* * *

Draco watched as Hermione put on her coat, secretly glancing at her oblivious boyfriend to see if he'll help her in to it. They walked out of the door together, missing Draco's longing glance before turning to put on his own coat.

* * *

 **A/N: Woop *wipes forehead*, this is my longest chapter to date. Obviously a common theme through this story is lots of laughter. As always, thank you to** ** _DiagonAli_ and _Reyloclaw_ for being heavy influencers of this story.**

 **Drop a review and let us know if you like how the characters turn out. Second episode will be up within a week!**

 _Russian translation:_ _svobodno -free;_ _malyshka- little girl_


	3. Diversity Day

**_A/N: Did I say within a week? More like two.. Sorry folks I'm preparing to go back to college and have been a bit busy!_**

 ** _Cast:_**

 **CAST:**

Sirius Black as Michael Scott  
Draco Malfoy as Jim Halpert  
Hermione Granger as Pam Beesley  
Harry Potter as Dwight Schrute  
Daphne Greengrass as Angela Martin  
Rubeus Hagrid as Kevin Malone  
Neville Longbottom as Phyllis Lapin  
Severus Snape as Stanley Hudson  
Gregory Goyle as Toby Flenderson

 _and_ Remus Lupin as himself

* * *

Remus Lupin walked into the office and straight into the conference room. He knew he didn't have enough sleep last night to deal with Sirius for several hours today. He tried to avoid the office, but today he needed to run a "mandated meeting". He thought that working at the Ministry would put him far away from Sirius for so he could be productive. He sighed as he twirled the pain potion in his pocket, knowing he would have a headache before it was time to leave.

It wasn't that Remus didn't want to see Sirius outside of the specific time set aside for him. Sirius, after all, is his best friend of over thirty years. However, working with Sirius is a completely different entity. A nightmare, if Remus were honest. Sirius tends to put more effort into procrasting his actual work than the effort needed to do his job. He knew it would be even worse that today's visit was solely due to Sirius's behavior in the workplace. Remus began to write down the outline for the meeting when Sirius knocked and entered the room.

"Moony, can I help you at all in here?" Remus couldn't deny that his friend's smile was contagious.

"No Pads, I'm all set." He smiled faintly at him and went back to the chalk in his hands. He heard the door open further and he forced himself not to curse under his breath, knowing that Sirius's canine hearing would pick it up. He heard the chairs he organized being moved around.

"You know, I think a circle would be better for this type of meeting-"

"Pads, please leave the chairs."

"BUT, rows would be even more practical." Sirius dragged the chairs back to where Remus originally set them. Remus gave Sirius a stern look and watched as he left the room. He let his head droop forward and rest against the chalkboard. He didn't want to offend Sirius, but if he treated him like he would outside of work then he would never be taken seriously. It was bad enough he had to put on a presentation for everyone in the office when he really only needed a discussion with Sirius.

Cleverly, Remus already thought to send owls to everyone else in the office beforehand to let them know about the sham. He hoped that Sirius would never find out what precautions he took for Sirius's ego. It would be a long day, but at least Tonks promised him a reward for getting through the day without hexing his friend sideways.

* * *

 _Interview: Sirius Black_

" _Today we are celebrating Diversity Day in the office by having someone come in from the Ministry to talk to everyone. I've been pushing the Ministry to do for a long time. Well.. It's something I've wanted to push them to do, but they beat me to it. I can't believe someone is going to take the credit for the idea. I was going to suggest it to the Ministry, I just never got around to it. But it's something we've needed, and I'm very excited. We really should have been celebrating since the end of the war, but I guess it's better late than never at all!"_

* * *

"Yes Mr. Saxton, the parchment is very reliable. I'm sure the students will appreciate more sturdy parchment. The ink will bleed less through this parchment-"

 _Rrrrrrpppppt_

"Hello? Mr Saxton can you hear me?"

 _Rrrrrrpppppt._

Draco looked up and saw Harry staring at him while shredding parchment. He had a smug look on his face. That arsehole.

"Mr. Saxton, do you mind holding on one moment?" _Rrrrrrpppppt._ "Yes, yes just one moment." Draco pulled the receiver away from his face and glared at Harry. "Do you have to do that right now Potter?"

"Yes actually, boss's orders. We got new shredders in and he asked me to see if they work. You know how Sirius is about new technology from the Ministry."

Draco watched as the parchment shredded perfectly into the basket, "I think it works just fine Potter."

"Oh I know that," _Rrrrrrpppppt,_ "I've just got piles of papers to get through now that we have the shredders in."

"Mr. Saxton, I am so sorry about that. Where were you?"

 _Rrrrrrpppppt._

Draco reached over his desk and pulled the plug from the shredder, finally silencing it. "I'm sorry, just one more time. Ah, that's perfect. What I was I saying? Yes, Hello?"

He looked up when he heard the dial tone on the phone and saw Harry's finger pressing down on the button on his phone. "Thanks Potter."

"Just serving justice Malfoy. Tit for tit you know."

Draco looked over and saw Hermione snickering. "It's tit for tat," she called out, "honestly Harry, you grew up in the muggle world."

"Well pardon me, 'Mione, I _did_ live in a cupboard you know. Sorry for not being up to date on all the muggle expressions out there."

* * *

 _Interview: Draco Malfoy_

" _Mr. Saxton is the new Headmaster over at Hogwarts and adores me for some reason. He calls just once a year to renew the account, and that one call ends up being a quarter of my commission for the year. This year I'm pushing recycled parchment for 2 percent more. It's something new the Ministry is nudging everyone to do. There's a new department run by young Hippie witches and wizards who preach to everyone about conservation. Something about saving the planet? I'm not exactly sure how something as simple as recycling could possibly save the environment, but hey, I'll get a few more galleons out of the deal. I already bought myself a bottle of firewhiskey and ready to celebrate. I know, I'm getting too cocky now, right?_

* * *

Draco watched as Hermione's brows furrowed together in concentration. He looked around the room and noticed that everyone else seemed to be lazing around the office. He walked over to figure out what could possibly take that much focus. When he rounded her desk, he noticed her screen looked bright and had electronic cards.

"Isn't this the game you tried to teach me?"

She didn't break eye contact with her screen. "Yeah, Solitaire."

He put his hand on the arm rest of her chair and leaned over her, enjoying the small shiver of her body even knowing it shouldn't be for him. "You can put that six on the five, right?" He pointed to the four piles in the upper corner.

"Yeah I know. I saw it."

"So why didn't you?"

She looked up at him and realized he was quite close to her. She felt her cheeks heat up and hoped that she would not blush. "I like saving it until the end. I love when the cards go _whoosh-tsh-tch-tch."_

"Yeah. Who wouldn't love that." Hermione, now facing forward, didn't notice that Draco's eyes never left hers as she watched the cards sort into four even piles, announcing her win.

* * *

Sirius walked out of his office and paused, noticing that Remus had not yet exited the office. He backed up and waited at the entrance of the door for his best mate to walk out. When he noticed the door finally opening, he began to walk straight towards Hagrid.

"Reubus!" Sirius exclaimed, "Catch any fun critters this weekend."

Sirius' canine hearing picked up Remus' footsteps towards them.

"No, but thas' okay." He grumbled, "One of the employees at the Department of Control of Magical Creatures, you know the spacey blonde, Luna? Well she told me all about these creatures called Nargles and I've been tryin' to hunt 'em."

"That's fascinating! Remus did you hear that? Reubus is attempting to catch the legendary Nargle." Remus rolled his eyes.

"Hello Hagrid," he gave the giant a quick nod of acknowledgement.

"Ha! See I'm even on a first name basis with him, Remus."

Remus ignored Sirius and called the room to attention. "Hello everyone. It's so nice to see so many familiar faces. As you know, I'm hosting a program today—"

"Woo Diversity Day!" Sirius clapped obnoxiously.

"—and I would like you all to come to the conference room so we can begin."

"The quicker it's over, the sooner I can go home. Tonks has a surprise. Tonks has a surprise. I need to be on my best behavior," He mumbled over and over under his breath while making his way to the room.

"I _love_ diversity day! I wish everyday could be diversity day."

"Sirius, that would defeat the whole point of celebrating our differences," Hermione stated exasperatedly, she had no idea how she would put up with Sirius if he continued with this behavior.

"What differences, Kitten, I see none!" Sirius turned to find Draco still on the phone while everyone else herded into the room.

"Come on, Draco, it's Diversity day! This is more important!" He whisper yelled into Draco's unoccupied ear. "Mr. Saxton, I'm going to have to call you back. Yes, I am very sorry. Thank you."

Draco huffed and hung up the phone, dragging his hands over his face. He needed to make sure this sale went through.

* * *

"Thank you for coming," Remus replied to those who took a piece of paper from him while walking into the room.

"Come on! Let's get movin', chop chop!" Sirius barked as he crossed his arms and stood at the front, next to Remus.

"Thank you all for being so patient. These cards are yours to fill out, but I will get to that in a moment. I promise I will try to make this quick," he gave a nervous chuckle at their blank faces.

Sirius coughed out a "that's what she said" with a giggle, earning an eye roll from Remus.

"Our Diversity program is heavily influenced by honesty, so I'm putting my trust into you to stay honest throughout this session. Today we're going to focus on trying to fix issues that arise from our diversity. I strongly believe that most problems arise in the workplace due to ignorance."

"Yes this is a race-free zone. Kitten, I don't look at you any differently because you're a muggleborn."

 _Snap_

Sirius turned to see that the chalk in Remus' hands broke in half.

"This is exactly the problem I'm talking about. We don't need to pretend that we are blind to our differences. That would be fighting ignorance with ignorance—"

"Toleration," Sirius ended the sentence confidently.

' _Only a few days to the full moon, I can take my aggression out on Padfoot then. I can make it,'_ Remus tried to reassure himself.

"No," he gave Sirius a pointed look. "With more _ignorance."_

"Ignorance," Sirius parroted Remus.

Remus turned his entire body towards Sirius and gave him a pointed look. "It's time for all of us to celebrate our diversity and different cultures."

Sirius raised his hands, "Yes, Let's celebrate! _Celebrate good times, come on!"_ Sirius belted out the catchy tune, ignoring the heated looked coming from his friend.

"You know what?" Sirius gave the room his winning smile, "Here's what we're going to do. We are all going to go around and say what were sexually attracted to about different races. I will go last."

Harry cleared his throat, "I've never been with one, but I heard werewolves are real beasts in bed, especially close to the full moon."

Remus paled.

Daphne scowled at him and scoffed, correcting her posture to look just like a proper pureblood witch.

"Looks like we're going to have to ask my cousin, Pup." Sirius winked at Harry and Remus had enough, he growled.

" _SIRIUS,"_ he yelled at his friend, trying not to reach over and throttle him. His chest heaved as Sirius looked at him like he had no idea what he did wrong. Remus just let out a sigh.

"Sirius, please." He begged, "I would rather not start like this. I would love to run this session. Can I please do this without any distractions? Can you sit in the chair and listen for one hour?"

Sirius grabbed a chair and pulled it to the front, facing everyone else. Remus looked at him expectantly, but Sirius just waved his hand. "You may proceed."

Remus turned back around and locked eyes with Hermione. She looked at him sorrowfully, silently apologizing for something she had no control over. He appreciated the look anyway, he always did like Hermione.

"Now, as you walked in I asked all of you to write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. Now what I am going to do is choose one and act it out." He shuffled through and noticed all of them contained the same incident. The incident he happened to be sent here for.

"Will there be any rules for this?" Harry raised his hand but asked the question at the same time.

Sirius leaned forward in the chair, "Harry, why don't you run it by me first and I'll run it by Rem-"

 _Hem hem._

Sirius looked up and felt like he was getting lectured by a professor. He winked at Remus, "I will run it by Mr. …" He looked up at Remus.

"Mr. Lupin, Sirius."

Sirius barked out a laugh, "Well here's my first test. I will not call you that."

"It's my name, Sirius."

"Yeah, but if I called you Lupin, wouldn't I be just referring to you as a," He leaned in closer to Remus, "a _werewolf_?"

Remus shook his head, he knew the fight was not worth the headache. "You know what, we're going to move on. It looks like most of you wrote down the same incident. How many of you are familiar with Muggle Pornography?"

Everyone in the room raised their hands.

* * *

 _Interview: Sirius Black_

" _I don't understand how Muggles can have have actual sex on camera, and the Muggles believe that it is totally fine. But when I make a comment about Pornography and people complain to the Ministry about it. Is it because I'm a Pure-blood wizard?" Sirius's eyes bugged out and his mouth opened, "Is it because they think I'm old? They're ageists!"_

* * *

"Now will someone explain exactly what happened?"

Sirius went to stand up, but Remus pushed his shoulder to sit back down. "How about we hear from someone else. Neville?"

He crinkled his nose and shook his head violently; Harry's hand shot into the air. "Draco?" Remus asked pleadingly, and Draco just shrugged his shoulders and pointed to Harry, "I think Wonderboy wants to."

"I'll do it then," Harry stood up and Remus grimaced. The thought of his best friend's godson speaking about Sirius watching porm made him want to retch.

"As you know, us wizards have Playwizard to help us with our needs. Sirius came to me one day saying that all of his copies were overused and he wanted new material."

"Not that there's anything wrong with the lovely witches in there, of course." Sirius interjected.

"Anyways, I told him about how Muggles have come up with this fantastic website called Pornhub." Harry ignored all of the groaning from the office, and Remus felt like he wanted to crawl into a hole.

"These Muggles actually have sex on video and allow others to watch. You know, to help with fantasies and making the experience more pleasurable."

Remus involuntarily flinched, he really did not want to be hearing this from a boy he once changed the diapers of.

"Sirius and I were talking about the videos," Sirius snorted. "That's a bit of an understatement, I may have been raving about them. I've never seen anything more interactive and vibrant before. It was heavenly," he gave a pleasurable sigh of relief and Remus felt his face warm up. He felt embarrassed for Sirius that his employees were witnessing him acting like a teenage boy.

"Sirius did say something pretty offensive though. He retold a video he watched of two girls dressed as witches. He said they were being," he eyes quickly focused on Hermione, " _filthy mudbloods,"_ he said with a wince.

Draco noticed Hermione's left arm twitch and gave her a quick reassuring hold on her hand, hoping to convey what he was really trying to tell you.

 _I'm sorry. You're not beneath anyone. I adore you._

Well, hopefully she didn't catch on to the last one. He gave her one last tight squeeze and released her hand.

Sirius, however; instead of being apologetic, let out a hearty laugh. "I'm sorry, I thought it was a perfect pun. Considering the nasty things they were doing to each other. I could take my eyes off her pert-"

" _SIRIUS!"_ Remus bellowed in a commanding voice. Sirius knew that tone well. He knew his friend's wolf was close to the surface, and he needed to rein it back in to prevent agitating Moony.

Remus threw the broken chalk across the room.

 _Too late,_ Sirius thought.

"I cannot believe how immature you are being Pads. We fought in two goddamn wars to prevent people from using such slurs so casually." Remus was now pacing back and forth and pointing a finger in the old dog's face.

"The thing is, I know that you know better. You need to think about what you say before you it comes out of your mouth. One of your godsons best friends is a muggleborn. _LILY._ Lily was a muggleborn. Have you ever so casually thought of them as such before as well."

He stopped pacing and turned back towards the room. "I'm sorry everyone, I need to cool down for a while." He stormed out of the conference room, and Sirius winced when he heard the office door slammed close.

Sirius stood up sheepishly and went to go stand in front of Hermione, hating the way she refused to look him in the eye.

"Kitten," he said softly. She glanced over at him as he crouched to her eye level. "Hermione, I am deeply sorry. I did not mean to offend you in anyway. Do you think you could learn to forgive an old dog?" He gave her little smile.

"Yes, Sirius. But if I ever hear that word come out of your mouth again I will hex your bollocks off."

He snorted, "I wouldn't expect anything less, Kitten."

He stood back up and cleared his voice, pushing stray black curls out of his eyes. "After lunch we will reconvene and continue on with diversity day." He swiftly walked out of his room and into his office. Everyone else slowly made their way back to their seats to continue on with their work.

It wasn't even fifteen minutes later when Sirius reemerged from his office waving a stack of white note cards in his hand.

* * *

"Draco, come on! Everyone else is waiting on you." Sirius bellowed from the conference room. The employees of Merlin Nifflers were indeed herded back into the conference room. Draco wanted to close the sale with Mr. Saxton, but could not get ahold of him in the short amount of time he actually worked. He reluctantly stood up and joined everyone else, _again,_ waiting to see what Sirius had in store.

He took the only seat available next to Gregory Goyle. Draco barely contained his laughter at Sirius's glare as Draco talked pleasantly to Greg. Draco didn't know why he hated him so much, but always made the situation amusing.

"In order to learn about different cultures, I have written out cards with different races. I want each one of you to place your card on your forehead, and others will go around and give you clues as to what that culture may be. I'll hand these out to all of you and we can begin. "Remember, honesty is key to overcoming ignorance. Open up. Push the boundaries."

* * *

Remus leisurely made his way back to the office. He knew he was a bit harsh on Sirius, but his friend needed to get it together. It personally hurt him, though, when he thought about Sirius referring to Lily as _that word._ He knew Sirius never would of, but his wolf reacted intensely to thinking of Hermione and Lily. They were two females that he cared for a great deal and would never stand for anyone calling them that. Even if it meant ripping out his friends vocal cords.

Well, that was mostly the wolf, but he couldn't lie and say he had never thought of killing Sirius in the past. Moony tended to get irritated quickly by Sirius's happy-go-lucky and playful nature.

As he walked back into the conference room, he noted that the chairs were pushed against the wall and everyone stood in the middle in pairs. He walked over to a snickering Sirius, who happened to be overwatching a conversation between Neville and Snape. Neville held a card to his head that read _Centaurs_ , and when he turned to look at Snape he stopped dead. There on Snape's head read _Greasy Git._

Remus lost it. He bent over in laughter and felt tears sting the corner of his eyes. When he stood back up, he noticed that Sirius stood proudly as Snape tore his card away and scowled at them. He patted Sirius on the back, Let's go have a quick chat alone, Pads."

* * *

"Mr. Saxton, I am so happy to get a hold of you. We didn't lose your sale today, right? Great." Draco smiled and looked at Hermione who gave him a thumbs up. "I'm sorry, what's that? No we didn't close last time. I just need… oh. Yes that's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you would like. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you."

Draco hung up the phone and sat there staring at nothing in particular. He felt hands on his shoulders not long after.

"You okay?" Hermione looked at him tenderly. He reached up and grabbed her hand.

"Yeah. I'm fine now."

* * *

"What's up Moony?" Sirius directed Remus to the chair across his desk.

"Pads, I'm sorry for yelling in front of everyone earlier, but I'm not sorry for yelling at you. What you said is unacceptable."

"I know Moony, I really am sorry. I apologized to Hermione as well."

"You could get fired, Sirius!" Remus shouted. "You know how strict the Ministry is being after the war. I know how bored and lonely you were at Grimmauld Place with nothing to do. I don't want you to lose this job and see you fall back into that dark place. So I need you to do something for me."

Sirius nodded, "Of course, what can I do?"

"Sign this," Remus begged, "Just please sign this so I can go back to the Ministry and tell them you will stop with the offensive comments."

Sirius reached over and signed the paper quickly. "Done." Remus let out a sigh of relief before putting the paper in his briefcase.

"Now I think it's time I go apologize to everyone else in the office." Remus got up and left Sirius's office, shutting the door as he went. Sirius broke out into hysterics and looked at the camera.

"I wonder how long it will take him before he realizes I signed it _Tinker Bell._ " His laughter became more raspy as he settled down, "He's going to be so mad."

He snickered again.

* * *

Once again everyone gathered together in the conference room to hear Remus's apologies. Most were understanding, or they just were glad to have the distraction from work again. Remus rambled on for a while talking to Sirius without dismissing the group. He watched as several people nodded off to sleep and he hoped that a nap would relieve them of any residual anger towards him for his disruptions.

Draco didn't mind the napping girl on his shoulder one bit. He let his head rest on hers just a bit, enjoying the feel of her soft curls on his cheek. He noticed that everyone seemed to be getting up to leave so he gently shook Hermione.

He felt as she came back into consciousness, but she didn't move her head from his shoulder.

"It's time to go, Granger."

"I'm sorry," she whispered and looked at him.

"It's okay, I promise."

* * *

 _Interview: Draco Malfoy_

" _You know what? Today actually ended up being a pretty good day."_

* * *

 _A/N: Well I hope you enjoyed! I have so much fun writing this. I want to thank DiagonAli and Reyloclaw for their heavily influence on this story as well again. Please read and review! I love feedback!_


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